Wednesday, 15 February 2017

Living a Perpetually Lonely Life

The truth of the matter is this; I love doing things alone.

But that is not the same as doing things lonely.

I am a loner by nature, and that sits really well with me. It makes me really happy to go to dinner alone, go shopping alone, go and see and film by myself, or go to gigs by myself. Just yesterday I went to see Bianca Del Rio, a drag queen, perform her one woman comedy show by myself. I had purposely bought one single ticket, and sat between strangers as I watched her. It makes me feel independent and I don't have to answer anyone - so no one questions my choices on what I eat, wear, and watch. 

Most of the time, this really works for me. I have friends who I spend a lot of time with and I find it really healthy to spend some time alone in order to be self-reflective and to better myself as a human being. But there are often times when I feel loneliness.

Loneliness, for me, feels like a depression in the pit of my stomach. And the catch is that I don't even have to be alone when I feel this loneliness. Sometimes, when I am with company, there is an element of the situation that makes me feel different and detached from the people I am in the company of and the places I reside. You see snapshots of an alternate realm in which everyone is happy and fulfilled except for you. And no matter how much you attempt to participate, sometimes it is worthless. Some days, social interaction brings no satisfaction to the loneliness you are burdened with.

I am learning to love the company of others every single day. From a young age I was lonely in school and other outside activities, so I grew up with a comfortableness in the presence of my self. Nothing would make me happier than jumping on a plane and exploring the world as a solo gig. However, there is always a part of me that wishes I could share the cool things I experience with another person.

Don't get me wrong - this is not me whining about being alone on Valentine's Day and still being bitter about it the day afterwards. If anyone has been reading my blog since the beginning, you will know only too well that I have never been a 'relationship person'. Work comes first. Always. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it would be cool to have another human to share things with. I have a best friend, I have friends, and I have colleagues. But sometimes you need a human. You know? I don't know how else to describe it. They don't have to be a romantic partner, but someone who you can enjoy the sensory nature of the external world with. 

Okay, that got a bit too philosophical a bit too quickly. But to conclude this pointless post, it is completely and utterly fine to do most things alone. There is only a problem when you become lonely

And how do you find a human? You can probably answer that better than I can. But I think you'll know the human when you see them.


Monday, 6 February 2017

2017 Resolutions

The Christmas elf has retired for the year!


I realise this is late compared to all of the other bloggers in the world who are 10000000000% more organised than I am, but I thought it was worth me talking about my resolutions for 2017!

I am not someone who makes resolutions, mostly because I don't ever stick to them. Last year's resolutions were more practical - take my meds, take time out for myself, take mental health days if I need to... but this year I am much more in control of the physical side of my mental health. That's kind of strange to say - its a bit of an oxymoron - but this year I need to focus on maintaining a stable mental state, and allowing myself to love me!

So, with this in mind, here are my 2017 resolutions:

1. Remind myself that I am worth it

I spent so much of my life doubting myself and being influenced to believe that I am not like other people, so therefore I am not worth the same as everyone else. But I am here to tell past me that this is absolute crap! Just because you are different, does not mean that you are below everyone else in the grand hierarchy of life. Different does not mean bad.

2. Stop saying I am bad at things that I am not bad at

We are all guilty of doing this at some point in our lives. Whether it is due to humbleness or genuinely not believing in ourselves, we often say aloud that we are not good at things. We will not allow ourselves to take any credit for our hard work! I need to stop this and recognise that thinking I have skill or talent in an area in which I have worked hard in my entire life does not mean I am suddenly this egotistical villain. 

I am good at singing, performing on stage, writing, and have a good philosophical mind. I will not apologise for those things anymore.

3. Allow myself to feel more


This is definitely going to be the hardest resolution of them all this year. I often shy away from my feelings about pretty much everything, but I am naturally a passionate person! Whether I'm obsessing about a new book or television show, or just appreciating my friends, I am not going to apologise for feeling the feels. 

That's it! What are your resolutions for this year?

Have you got similar resolutions to me? Let me know in the comments!

I shall leave you with an inspirational song - My Shot from Hamilton.