Wednesday, 15 February 2017

Living a Perpetually Lonely Life

The truth of the matter is this; I love doing things alone.

But that is not the same as doing things lonely.

I am a loner by nature, and that sits really well with me. It makes me really happy to go to dinner alone, go shopping alone, go and see and film by myself, or go to gigs by myself. Just yesterday I went to see Bianca Del Rio, a drag queen, perform her one woman comedy show by myself. I had purposely bought one single ticket, and sat between strangers as I watched her. It makes me feel independent and I don't have to answer anyone - so no one questions my choices on what I eat, wear, and watch. 

Most of the time, this really works for me. I have friends who I spend a lot of time with and I find it really healthy to spend some time alone in order to be self-reflective and to better myself as a human being. But there are often times when I feel loneliness.

Loneliness, for me, feels like a depression in the pit of my stomach. And the catch is that I don't even have to be alone when I feel this loneliness. Sometimes, when I am with company, there is an element of the situation that makes me feel different and detached from the people I am in the company of and the places I reside. You see snapshots of an alternate realm in which everyone is happy and fulfilled except for you. And no matter how much you attempt to participate, sometimes it is worthless. Some days, social interaction brings no satisfaction to the loneliness you are burdened with.

I am learning to love the company of others every single day. From a young age I was lonely in school and other outside activities, so I grew up with a comfortableness in the presence of my self. Nothing would make me happier than jumping on a plane and exploring the world as a solo gig. However, there is always a part of me that wishes I could share the cool things I experience with another person.

Don't get me wrong - this is not me whining about being alone on Valentine's Day and still being bitter about it the day afterwards. If anyone has been reading my blog since the beginning, you will know only too well that I have never been a 'relationship person'. Work comes first. Always. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it would be cool to have another human to share things with. I have a best friend, I have friends, and I have colleagues. But sometimes you need a human. You know? I don't know how else to describe it. They don't have to be a romantic partner, but someone who you can enjoy the sensory nature of the external world with. 

Okay, that got a bit too philosophical a bit too quickly. But to conclude this pointless post, it is completely and utterly fine to do most things alone. There is only a problem when you become lonely

And how do you find a human? You can probably answer that better than I can. But I think you'll know the human when you see them.


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